Tuesday, June 16, 2009

That's what she said...

Have you ever run into an old acquaintance and for a quick second your former life flashes before your eyes and you're forced to relive past mistakes? Like say an old boyfriend? Where everything that comes out of your mouth is an attempt to paint a picture of your current life WAY better than when you dated him. Maybe it is and maybe it isn't, but we all know ex-boyfriends are ex's for a reason. Even if time has faded the truth in their minds.

Take for example my friend, we'll call her K, has had the worse luck lately running into old boyfriends. As if anyone REALLY enjoys running into people we use to sleep with. Someone's always judging someone, and someone just doesn't look as good as they once did.

It's become almost comical her weekly interludes with ghost of boyfriends past, all of whom apparently want to re-ignite the imaginary spark between them. Keep in mind her lack of progress with her current long term boyfriend in the marital status department makes these so much funnier.

Bachelor #1-
This winner called (who lives out of state) after nearly 6 years and asked her to come down to see him; read: travel 300 miles for a booty call. Mind you, at the time she dated him, they were not living in the same general vicinity, he was married (which he hid from her) and asked her to regularly travel 2 hrs to see him then. Guess the ex-wifey wasn't available.

Bachelor #2 -
This lovely man has bumped into her randomly throughout the 10 years since they dated, has the moral compass of a deadbeat dad and who's personality every time manages to come across as just a hair above elephant dung. The most recent visit was at a gas station, where he acted like they were long lost friends who still cared deeply for each other and were dying to know all the details of each others lives. And....pass.

Bachelor #3 -
This one, currently flashing his less than stellar smile at your friendly neighborhood bank, thinks the past is all just water under the bridge and she secretly pines for him in her sleep. News flash: You weren't a prize to be had back in the day. And yet, you took your imaginary "stud status" seriously and chose to sleep with K's close friend. Guess what the girls weren't THAT close.

Bachelor #4 - (my personal fav)
The king of all crappy ex-boyfriends, plopped himself down next to K at a recent networking seminar. It was the longest two hours of her life. After running through his recent failures professionally, he moved on to personal matters.

"We totally need to get together and hang out"

Ya right, I'll get right on top of scheduling that

"We should go to lunch, my treat"

Oh ya, because my boyfriend would love that.

"If you can't do lunch, we could do drinks, at night"

Drinking with you never ended well.

"So are you still dating what's his name, what does he do again?"

He's worked for XXX shipping for 8 years and you know that.

"Huh, I figured you'd do better than that"

And....there's why were not together anymore, you're a jackass.

"So you heard I got married, right"

Yep, right after you broke-up with me @sshole. Called me up, broke my heart again, and asked me to approve of HER ring.

I'm actually getting married in October

OMG, did I just say that outloud!
And there's the money shot.

Because, even if we're more than happy with our current situation, ex boyfriends have a way of making the most sane woman, nuts. In a perfect world, we'd ship our ex's off to a remote island where they would sit all day, play Madden on play station, drink beer, fart, tell disgusting jokes and find friendship because in their minds, they are the perfect catch.


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