Thursday, June 11, 2009

Broken bits

Growing up, I didn't spend much time with boys. It was just my sister and I. Our close cousins were all girls, my mother's friends predominately had girls, in fact even the cat was a girl. It was a running joke that my father (an elementary school principal) was the best person to deal with a building of 40 women because he had all women at home. Although I always secretly thought my dad had wished my sister a boy...

So when the husband and I found out we were having a boy I was filled with mixed emotions. On one hand I always liked the idea of having an older brother that looked out for his little sister, plus I think the husband did back flips behind the curtain when she pointed out the penis. On the other hand, I had no idea how to raise a boy. And when the nurse at the hospital brought back our bundle of newly snipped joy and quickly ran through the care routine I lost it.
"Does that look normal to you" I asked the husband.

The husband shrugged "I don't know"

"Well did yours look like that?" my voice going up one octave.

"How the hell should I know"

"Because you have one!"
I was screaming and almost crying at this point

"Honey, having a penis does not make you all knowing"

Riiight, I'm gonna have to remember that.
I eventually faked my way through most of his first year. And when he turned 18 mos, he had really shot up in height and slimmed down thanks to his non-stop running. What I didn't know at the time, was EVERYTHING was getting bigger.

One night after bath time, I'm changing his diaper and getting everything ready for bed time. When I see what looks like a red rash just below the head of his penis. I look closer and I'm dumbstruck.
What the H-E-double hockey sticks is THAT!
Where his wrinkly part connected to the head of his penis, was not a rash but a bright red gash. I freaked.the.F.out. I did a quick inventory of the situation.
No blood? check.

No tears? check.

All other manly parts intact? double check.
I grabbed the phone and dialed my stepmom.
"Oh my god, oh my god. I broke Tyler, he's broken, I broke it!"

"Slow down, what's broke?"

"Tyler, it's all red, something happened, oh my god, what do I do?"

"You have to slow down ,take a deep breath, what happened?"
I recap the last ten minutes to my stepmom and hear a sharp intake followed by a long pause. "I'll be over in a few minutes."

After some investigation by my stepmom, a frantic call to the nurse help line, and a quick trip to the doctor in the morning, we learned this was a perfectly normal occurrence with circumcised boys as the grow. I felt a marginally better. And I couldn't help but feel like I had broken my son's stuff. And then the paraniod freak in me came out.

Oh gawd, what if he grows up misshapen?
The boys in the locker room will make fun of him,
He'll never get a date for the prom,
He'll never get married
He won't be able to have kids.
The doctor just laughed at my freaked out thought process, explained that sometimes when healing, the "head" reattaches to the base. And when boys get "bigger" it detaches and can become red for several days.

It just reaffirmed my original thought that I have no idea what to do with a penis.


Mandy June 12, 2009 at 1:00 AM  

Yikes. I'm so not ready for this! Glad Tyler's OK though.

Hillary June 15, 2009 at 4:37 PM  

Well! You really do learn something new everyday. Glad I read this, considering The Boy is coming up on the year-and-a-half mark ...

Anonymous,  June 16, 2009 at 12:44 PM  

This story has deeply disturbed me, and only solidified the fact that the stork is going to be kind enough to bring me all girls.
P.S Dad did kinda wish I was a boy.


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