18 going on 30

As a 29 year old woman, I'm caught in this weird place of don't remind me I'll be 30 in 3 months, but also don't card me for alcohol or I'm gonna huff, pout and fling my drivers license at you.

I also keep trying to avoid conversations with my besties about a "big 3-0" birthday party in November. Honestly I'd much rather just celebrate with a card, a nice present, some cake, lots of alcohol and then head to bed.

I'm exciting like that.

Who knows, maybe I'll "be with child" and this will all work itself out. I just don't feel like being reminded that I'll be "over-the-hill" this year.

30 is the new 50 ya know.

Especially, when the husband is 3 years younger than me. Well, technically between June 26th and November 1st, he's 2 years younger, but for a majority of the year he's 3. He loves to remind me of this any chance he gets, especially at birthday's. For the past 2 years he's given me a "Happy Birthday you're 30" card. I'll open it and grimace. He, of course, throws his head back and cackles, because it's SOOO freaking funny.

Some days I just want to poke his eyes out.

However karma returned the favor and bit him in the butt the other day.

He got carded for trying to buy a mega millions lotto ticket, in a liquor store, at 1pm, with 2 day old stubble.

I laughed so hard I almost peed.

Maybe for his birthday next year I'll get him a binky and a bottle. The man does have a baby face.

I bet he'll find it just about as funny as I find the inappropriate birthday cards.

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Monkey see, Monkey do

I'm gonna have to start watching what I say and do. Tyler is much more impressionable than I ever imagined.

On Sunday morning, I was lucky enough to con the husband into watching Tyler while I went to the grocery store. Usually I drag the husband in tow, to avoid the otherwise inevitable complaining about what I buy.

Why did you buy this kind of bread....I don't like diet pop....You bought the wrong kind of granola bars....But I don't want this kind of cereal this week, yes I realize I ate it last week, but I wanted something different.

To this my standard response is "I had a coupon, it was on sale, live with it"

So on Sunday, he promised not to complain about anything I bought and allowed me to venture out on my own. It was blissful, even if it was 9am on a Sunday, I hadn't bothered to brush my hair, and threw on the first thing that looked half way clean.

I took my time driving to the store. I paused early at the stoplights that began to turn red. I used my turn signals, I parked a few rows away from the entrance for the extra exercise, I even bought a $4 cup of coffee at Starbucks because I knew there wouldn't be anyone to knock it over while he threw a hissy fit because mommy wouldn't let him eat the whole bag of grapes while we shopped.

I checked prices against my coupons, I evaluated the best buys with the cost per ounce sticker on the shelves. I even made a few personal phone calls while I leisurely walked the quiet, empty aisles. I was almost a little sad when I realized my shopping list was completed and I had to checkout.

But all good things must come to an end, so I drove back to the house, slowly, trying to formulate a plan that allowed solo grocery trips every week. Shouldn't be too hard. Men hate the grocery store, right?

The husband and I unloaded the car, dragged the bags inside and plopped them down on the counters. Because we'd rather cut circulation off to our fingers then make more than one trip, it only took a minute.

Tyler, eager to help out, grabbed a grocery bag off the counter and began pulling it's contents out and whipping them onto the kitchen floor. Once that bag was finished, he stood and reached for another one. In an effort to avoid a great mess, I handed him the package of diapers and asked him to go put them in his room.

He smiled his huge smile and quickly turned and ran for the stairs. He stopped at the bottom of the stairs, planted his feet, leaned back, swung his arms behind him and tried to chuck the diapers up the stairs.

I laughed. I laughed so hard I almost cried. Because for all the times we've gone to the store, all the times I've come back realizing that the trip took longer than it should have and it sent me into turbo mode. All the times I would quickly de-bag the items, slamming them down on the counter, rushing around and then stand at the bottom of the stairs, hurling baby and bath products up the stairs into the hallway to "make-up time". It never occurred to me that this might not be a great example to set.

It never occurred to me that this would be something he'd pick-up on. Of all the things he could learn, he could copy, he decides my bad habit of "out of sight, out of mind" was the one he'd take. Figures.

I guess he's his mother's son after all.

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Forward Friday - Caption This!

Truth may be stranger than fiction, but trying to guess the truth can be even funnier.

This Forward Friday is courtesy of AwkwardFamilyPhotos.com a stich of a website that is addictive and hilarious. Especially when the author adds his own captions to the awkward photos.

So I thought we'd try a bit of fun of our own. Ya! Post a comment for your best caption for this photo....



I'll start:

The director told them to think Bob Fosse "jazz hands" meets Alice Cooper. Maybe they took him a bit too literal.

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My kid can do that!

There are days when I think Tyler is holding out on me.

I think the kid can do more than he leads on.

Prime example, Sunday evening:

I walked down the stairs after changing my clothes and stopped in my tracks at the next to last step and stared blankly at my 2 yr old son. He stood fiercely, in the living room, chest puffed out, arm extended high above his head, proudly waving a peeled banana as if to scream Ta-Da! Look what I did Mommy! He smiled widely with a mouthful of banana and a that's when it occurred to me, he climbed up on the counter, got the banana and peeled it himself. I leaned out, peered around the corner of the stairwell and saw the banana peel perched on the edge of the trash can. My mouth hung open. I blinked. Then blinked twice again, quickly.

I turned back to look at him.

"Hold that thought..." I held up one finger as if to pause the scene.

I backed slowly up the stairs, turned into the bathroom, closed my eyes, took a deep breath, rounded the corner again and descended back down the stairs. I opened my eyes and there he stood, still in the middle of the living room, banana in one hand, with half of it gone now, eaten.

I was speechless. My 2 yr old had peeled his own banana.

I sat down on the bottom step, placed my forearms on my knees, lowered my head, shook it side to side.

What was next; tieing his own shoes, combing his own hair, walking the dog, taking out the garbage, doing the laundry, fixing dinner, washing the dishes?

This growing up thing is progressing much too quickly for my taste, I want my baby back. I demand my baby back!

Oh wait, did you say washing the laundry? Uhm....well, maybe growing up isn't so bad after all.

Tomorrow's to-list:
#1 - Teach Tyler to sort the laundry

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The do-it-yourselfers

I think I know why people get divorced.

They buy a 30 year old house that needs a lot of cosmetic updates. Then attempt to make said improvements, together, on a Saturday, that is 90 degrees, while their 2 yr old son runs around wreaking havoc in the garage, and their basset hound, who suffers from extreme separation anxiety, howls, cries and scratches incessantly at the front door to be let out.

This kind of situation leads to lapses in judgment, injuries and the husband growling every 10 mins under his breath that "We should have just hired someone".

Perhaps, but I'm too cheap.

So after 5 hours, 2 re-dos, a 100+ curse words, three head injuries, 2 marital spats, one inquisitive neighbor who just smirked and calmly walked backwards out of the conversation, and a very large gap, we still do not have a fully functional screen door.

I may have ultimately resisted saying "I told you so" about the molding, but he did get his way and called "the guy".

The good news is we're still married. And the door will be fixed by Friday.

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Forward Friday - Happy Drinking

Most of the jokes I hear from the husband are kinda vulgar and unappealing. Then again, we also have very different opinions on what is funny. I prefer slapstick, physical Will Ferrell humor. While he prefers the typical male dick jokes. His favorite movie is Super Troopers....he's a guy what, do you expect [shrug].

But bottom line who doesn't love a good joke? Especially a drinking one on a Friday.

Here's hoping your weekend is enjoyable, and happy Forward Friday!

The Moral of the Story Is:

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day the kids came back and one-by-one began to tell their stories. ”Johnny, do you have a story to share?”, the teacher asked.

“Yes ma’am,” Johnny replied. “My daddy told me a story about my Aunt Nancy. She was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a small flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn’t break, and then her parachute landed right in the middle of 20 enemy troops. She shot 15 of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed 4 more with the knife till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.”

“Good heavens,” cried the horrified teacher. “What kind of moral did your daddy give you from this story?”

“Stay the hell away from Aunt Nancy when she’s drinking.”

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Wanted: A shopaholics support group

Most people have hobbies.

Activities or projects that they find soothing, relaxing and enjoyable. Sometimes these hobbies are simple and inexpensive and other times they are intricate and costly. But regardless, the cost is usually seen as an investment in a persons happiness.

I don't have any hobbies. I have shopping. It makes me happy.

It's my obsession passion. I can shopping for hours looking for the best deal on stuff. Occasionally on items I really don't need. But I can't pass up a great deal. It's these times when I'm tempted to hide my purchases from the husband and lie about what I've just bought.

It's not buyers remorse, it's the fear of being caught.

These are the times when I get a glimpse of the fact that I may have a problem.

I never have a problem, however, convincing the husband that my purchases for Tyler are in his best interest. See how happy it makes him?

The husband just shrugs and remarks "No wonder he loves his mommy best, she spoils him rotten"

Perhaps. But I don't see "Over-enthusiastic provider" listed on the 7 deadly sins, so I'm thinking I'm in the clear.

Take for example my latest trip to Target (always dangerous). I was on a mission to find bugs. The small little life-like plastic toys that little boys love to gross-out adults females with. I'd gotten a tip from my mommy underground sources (the nesties) that there were some cheap $1 ones at Target. So off I went, immediately after work.

What I found in the clearance section was perfect. A small tube of butterflys, lady bugs and dragon flys for $1. I even found a "bug house" to keep them all in for $3. I'd really hit pay-dirt today.

As we turned to leave, we rounded a corner and saw it. On the end cap. A 42-piece, Black n Decker tool set. Complete with hard hat and tool belt. It was awe inspiring.

Tyler currently had a 7 piece set with a little tool box that he carried everywhere we went. He'd gotten it for Christmas and would even get it out and attempt to help when Daddy did small home repairs.

But THIS set was different. THIS set dwarfed the other set by a mile. It had a hammer, 2 screwdrivers, a drill, a hack saw, a level, a speed square, a wood shaver, a c-clamp, a socket wrench, a pipe wrench, a ratchet set, a tape measure, pliers, and a million little bolts, nuts and nails. It was everything a little boy needed. He HAD to have it.

And Mommy was happy to oblige. So in the cart it went, along with the bugs and bug house. No sense in putting back a great deal.

We got it home, unwrapped all the piecey parts and splayed them across the living room floor. That's when it occured to us that they all wouldn't fit in his old tool box. We were gonna need a bigger box.





The husband just shook his head when he came home that night and saw the carnage. Because sadly the bugs were a distant second to his new tool set.







See even Fred the dog is concerned my shopping habits may have gotten out of control.

Good thing I don't listen to the dog.

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Forward Friday - Top Ten List

I'm no David Letterman, but I sure do enjoy a good "Top Ten" list. Sometimes they're pretty lame, but then other times they're down right perfect.

My personal favorite is the "Top Ten messages left on Al Gore's answering machine", with #6 and #4 - utterly hysterical.



So I thought I'd give a shot at my own Top Ten List (borrowed, of course, I'm not this witty) That and I apparently can't count.


Top Ten Lessons women have learned about their men:

1. Don’t imagine you can change a man - unless he’s in diapers.

2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks-out? You shut the door.

3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.

4. Never let your man’s mind wander - it’s too little to be out alone.

5. Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.

6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.

7. Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

8. Women don’t make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

9. Best way to get a man to do something is to suggest they are too old for it.

10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn’t ask for directions.

13. If he asks what sort of books you’re interested in, tell him checkbooks.

14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes; it means that you laugh at his.

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Did you see that?

I love people watching.

I especially like people watching at new and strange places where alcohol is involved. The true crazies always come out in places like that.

Take for example my Saturday night out at the new piano bar in town with our close group of friends for one of my bestie's birthday. It was a great evening that ended with 4 of us mildly intoxicated on a mission to satisfy our hankering for pizza (who's Saturday night doesn't end this way?)

Granted my group of friends is perfectly capable of making our own fun but it was the people we observed while there that really made the evening.

Let me sum it up in a simple mathematical equation.

Alcohol + Piano Tunes + 10 bachelorette parties = One funny evening

Some of the women we observed were just too funny not to write about.

Crazy Women:
#1 - a middle aged woman who felt compelled to dry hump every man that dared walked by her table (although she did seem to pay particular attention to one guy)

#2 - a 20-something blonde girl who was never without a drink, wore hot pink sunglasses all night, high heels, a too short balloon mini-dress and would randomly stopped dancing to strike a pose.

#3 - another middle aged woman who hurriedly ripped off the bar t-shirt she'd been sporting and inadvertantly removed her slip dress as well in the attempt.

#4 - a 20-something bride-to-be who had an unhealthy obsession with a banana.

#5 - Drunk bachelorette's with penis accessories: a Glitter penis headband, a light-up penis necklace, penis name tags.

#6 - the same middle aged woman in #1 hiking her skirt up, laying on her back on the stairs, leg pumping to the song and flashing half the bar.

#7 - Numerous women (and men) sporting bar slogan bumper stickers on their chests, legs, backs, heads and butts alerting passer-byers of their availability. Demonstrated here by my bestie:

It is also important to note that the above picture is the last known shot of my bestie as a single woman.

Her boyfriend of 4 years asked her to marry him the next morning (finally).

I see another trip to this bar, sporting our own penis bobber headbands in our future.

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