Forward Friday - New State Slogans

New State Slogans

Alabama: At Least We're Not Mississippi

Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't be Wrong!

Arizona: But It's a Dry Heat

Arkansas: Litterasy Ain't Everything

California: As Seen on TV

Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother

Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only Dirtier and With Less Character

Delaware: We Really Do Like the Chemicals in Our Water

Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids

Georgia: Without Atlanta We're Alabama

Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru
(Death to Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)

Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes... OK, Maybe Not, But The Potatoes Are Real Good

Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S"

Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free

Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn

Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States

Kentucky: 5 Million People; Seven Last Names

Louisiana: We're Not All Drunk Cajuns

Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster

Maryland: A Thinking Man's Delaware

Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's

Michigan: First Line of Defense From the Canadians

Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes and 10,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes

Mississippi: Come Feel Better About Your Own State

Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars at Work

Montana: Land of the Big Sky, the Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies and Very Little Else

Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest

Nevada: Whores and Poker!

New Hampshire: Go Away and Leave Us Alone

New Jersey: You Want a F**kin' Motto? I Got Yer F**kin' Motto Right Here!

New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets

New York: You Have the Right to Remain Silent, You Have the Right to an Attorney...

North Carolina: Tobacco is a Vegetable

North Dakota: We Really are One of the 50 States!

Ohio: We Wish We Were In Michigan

Oklahoma: Like the Play, Only No Singing

Oregon: Spotted Owl -- It's What's For Dinner

Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal

Rhode Island: We're Not Really An Island

South Carolina: We Have Never Actually Surrendered to the North

South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota

Tennessee: The Educashun State

Texas: A Whole 'Nother Country!

Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus

Vermont: Yep

Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs and Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?

Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds and Slackers!

Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?

West Virginia: One Big Happy Family -- Really!

Wisconsin: Come Cut Our Cheese

Wyoming: Wynot?

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Forward Friday - Caption This!

Truth may be stranger than fiction, but trying to guess the truth can be even funnier.

This Forward Friday is courtesy of AwkwardFamilyPhotos.com a stich of a website that is addictive and hilarious. Especially when the author adds his own captions to the awkward photos.

So I thought we'd try a bit of fun of our own. Ya! Post a comment for your best caption for this photo....



I'll start:

The director told them to think Bob Fosse "jazz hands" meets Alice Cooper. Maybe they took him a bit too literal.

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Forward Friday - Top Ten List

I'm no David Letterman, but I sure do enjoy a good "Top Ten" list. Sometimes they're pretty lame, but then other times they're down right perfect.

My personal favorite is the "Top Ten messages left on Al Gore's answering machine", with #6 and #4 - utterly hysterical.



So I thought I'd give a shot at my own Top Ten List (borrowed, of course, I'm not this witty) That and I apparently can't count.


Top Ten Lessons women have learned about their men:

1. Don’t imagine you can change a man - unless he’s in diapers.

2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks-out? You shut the door.

3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.

4. Never let your man’s mind wander - it’s too little to be out alone.

5. Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.

6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.

7. Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

8. Women don’t make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

9. Best way to get a man to do something is to suggest they are too old for it.

10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn’t ask for directions.

13. If he asks what sort of books you’re interested in, tell him checkbooks.

14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes; it means that you laugh at his.

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Forward Friday - Male Language Dictionary

As a follow-up to my Female Language Dictionary post, I felt it was only fair to offer an alternate point of view.

Really the husband was using my post to refine his smart ass skills and I needed some ammo.

So enjoy! I know I did.

Male Language Dictionary

I'm hungry - I'm hungry

I'm sleepy - I'm sleepy

I'm tired - I'm tired

Nice dress - Nice cleavage!

I love you - Let's have sex now

I'm bored - Do you want to have sex?

What's wrong - I guess sex tonight is out of the question

I love you, too - Okay, I said it...we'd better have sex now!

May I have this dance? - I'd eventually like to have sex with you

Can I call you sometime? - I'd eventually like to have sex with you

Do you want to go to a movie? - I'd eventually like to have sex with you

Can I take you out to dinner? - I'd eventually like to have sex with you

Will you marry me? - I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys

Let's talk - I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person so that you'll have sex with me

I don't think those shoes go with that outfit - I am gay

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Forward Friday - The work multi-tool

Yes, I realize it's Tuesday, but sometimes you wake up and realize it's Monday and you wonder where the hell Friday went.

So here's what Friday's Funny Forward should have been.

The "problem solving flow chart" - a real multi-tool for the office.

I suggest printing it out for future reference.

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Forward Friday - female language dictionary

The husband is always complaining he is not a mind reader and he is constantly one step behind what I'm talking about. So I thought I'd put together a little cheat sheet for him. Strong communication makes a strong couple.

The Female Dictionary

Yes - No

No - Yes

Maybe - No

We need - I want

I'm sorry - You'll be sorry

We need to talk - I need to complain

Does my butt look big in this? - Tell me I'm beautiful

Do what you want - You'll pay for this later

I'm not upset - Of course I'm upset, you moron!

Are you listening to me?? - Too late, you're dead

You have to learn to communicate - Just agree with me

Be romantic, turn out the lights - I have flabby thighs

Do you love me? - I'm going to ask for something expensive

It's your decision - The correct decision should be obvious by now

How much do you love me? - I did something today that you're really not going to like

Fine - This is the word we use to end an argument when we are right and you need to shut up.

Five Minutes - If we're getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

Nothing - This word should sent alarms off. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

Go Ahead - This is a dare, not permission. Don’t Do It!

Loud Sigh - This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means we think you are an idiot and we wonder why we are wasting our time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

That’s Okay - A very dangerous word. That’s okay means we want you to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

Thanks* - We are thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you’re welcome.

(* unless we say ‘Thanks a lot’ - this is PURE sarcasm and we are not thanking you at all. DO NOT say ‘you’re welcome.’ that will bring on a ‘whatever’).

Whatever - This is woman speak for FUCK YOU!

Don’t worry about it, I got it - This means there is something that a we have asked you to do several times, but we are now doing it ourself.

This will later result in a man asking ‘What’s wrong?’ To which we will respond 'Nothing'.

It's a vicious cycle, just do the task we asked the the first time to avoid the headache.

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Forward Friday

Thought I'd start something new and see if it sticks. Every Friday I'll post a forward that I find funny just to share. I realize it's not Friday, but this week it's "like" Friday...so there!

I get forwards all.the.time. Usually they're pretty lame...

"If you pass this along to 50 of your friends and make a wish, it'll come true by midnight the Tuesday after the next full moon."

I wish for an Italian swimsuit model to clean my kitchen, do my laundry, wait on me hand and foot and feed me strawberries in bed every night. You gonna make THAT happen? I'm throwing the bullshit flag.

OR

"I'm sending you this forward to tell you how special you are to me, and here let me put a few cutesy pictures of puppies and kittens just to make this forward even more gag worthy."

My true friends know that I really show them I care by not forwarding this crap. The buck stops here, cowboy.

However, every once in a while I get one that's pretty funny, and sadly mirrors my own life.

In this example, it's not me but the husband that wants a riding mower.

Do you think he'd go for this? I could probably find a spare bike on Craigslist...

The Riding Lawn Mower

My wife always wanted a riding lawn mower.

She works all day and was always tired when she came home from work and thought that a riding lawn mower would help her get the yard work done quicker so she would have more time for the chores inside the house.

SO, being the handy sort of guy that I am, I made her a riding lawn mower.

I guess I thought she would squeal with delight or something and give me a big hug.

To this day I have never been able to understand why some women are so hard to please...

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