Yes, this is my poker face.

Convincing a toddler to do anything can be an uphill battle.

Let's put on your shoes. No!
Let's take off your shoes. No!
Let's brush your teeth. No!
Lets pick up your toys. Silent treatment.
Let's go get a bath. Runs screaming in the other direction.

The exceptions in my house is if the request involves ice cream, Noggin, Elmo or choo-choos. Then anything is possible.

These tiny daily battles leave me feeling defeated, unproductive and relatively exhausted.

No, your right, it shouldn't take me 15 minutes, 3 laps around my house, a wrestling match, and a quick game of pick-up what I drop mommy every morning to get socks and shoes on my child, but it does. And yes, this qualifies that as my cardio for the day.

But I have a confession; one I am ashamed to admit out loud. Sometimes I yell, and sometimes it actually works.

However, as became demonstrably clear the other night at bath time. I apparently yell more than I'd like to believe.

Scene:
Tyler, for the third time, has jumped up and slammed his bottom down into the tub causing a tide wave of water to slosh against the side of the tub while he flings his washcloth like a whip sending a spattering of water onto me and the wall adjacent to the tub.

Me [snapping]: "Tyler! Stop that! Look what you've done!"

Probably louder than I meant to.

Tyler [pointing]: "Ooooh, Mommy you mad"

I froze and looked at Tyler puzzled. He giggled back at me as I launched into a hysterical laughing fit and fell off the toilet. Which he also thought was pretty funny.

And this is why I am a pathetic excuse for a parent when it comes to doling out punishment.

Because I can't stop laughing long enough to keep a straight face.

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Soft toys are good

Boys throw things.

Consider it good practice to becoming the star quarterback every father dreams their son will become. However, given the husband and I's genetics, Tyler will probably end up a beefy, sweaty middle linebacker. Sorry kid, an underwear model you won't be. But that's another post...

Boys throw, fling, toss, chuck, hurl, pitch, heave, lob, cast, and wing an assortment of items. Even things that aren't suppose to be thrown.

I can remember my sister telling the story of my oldest nephew winging a wooden toy train four pews up and beaning some little old church lady in the back of the head right in the middle of the pastor's sermon. And when the little old lady turned around to identify the culprit, my sister took the blame like an adult. Me, I would have displayed my astonishment face, thumbed behind me and kinda shrugged. No sense causing a scene in church, who knows what church ladies carry in their large handbags.

Tyler, for a 2yr old boy, has a pretty good arm (mental note: no wooden trains in church). He'll wind up, arm back above his head his left leg hiked up to his chest, stomp down and grunt as he throws the ball hurtling it across the room. To him, this is awesome.

He has also started throwing temper tantrums. Mind you, these aren't the first, and they certainly won't be the last. But they are the first that involve throwing object to display his frustration.

So his frustration with mommy saying "no" coupled with his mutant he-man arm, sends me diving for cover behind the sofa.

The husband, however just sits on the couch, unfazed, with a gleam in his eye daydreaming about his son, the starting pitcher for the Cleveland Indians, as a plastic squeaky ball bounces off his forehead.

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My soap box

Through a local message board I'm part of, I got turned onto this blog, Her Bad Mother. I read her post for today (and for yesterday) and it made me want to stand up and cheer. Hallelujah! Finally a woman who is not afraid to admit that she is not a poster mom for the PTA. Everywhere I turn we as mom's are bombarded with suggestions on how to maker our kids faster, smarter, taller, thinner, and just plain better if we were only better mom's. Except, every child is unique, their thoughts and behaviors are something all their own. And you know where they get that, from their unique mothers! We as a society are creating a generation of sheltered children who are unable to be creative, think for themselves, work for a goal and understand what it means to fail. It makes me want to yell, "Stop mothering your child!" Let them eat dirt, get runny noses, stub a few toes, bruise their knees, know disappointment and ruin a few outfits while trying to scale the jungle gym. Let them be kids!

My neighbor is expecting her first child. She and her husband tried for nearly two years to get pregnant, and finally they are exactly where they want to be. Except now she is starting to notice other kids when she is out. She observes their behaviors and makes mental notes on traits/actions she doesn't want her own child to exert. She's talked with me at great lengths about how my son is wonderfully behaved every time she sees him and marvels at how this is obviously a product of my husband and I's relaxed parenting style. While I appreciate her compliments, I modestly point out to her, that what she doesn't see are the shopping trips to Target where he's thrown a wholly fit in the toy aisle because I put back the Diego toy he wanted. Or the time we had to leave early from the restaurant (before we finished eating) because he wouldn't sit in his highchair any longer. Or the time before that, where he's yelling at the top of his lungs in the middle of the grocery store because dad had to go pee. I've been THAT mom, the one with the horrible kid who everyone judges based on her kids actions. And you know what, I DON'T CARE.

Because as an expectant mother, I read every book out there. I knew the books backwards and forwards. I *thought* I was prepared. Wrong! Nothing written in books can prepare you for the challenges that being a new parent throws at you. So throw the damn parenting books away and just learn as you go. Because if your force yourself to confine your parenting to what's written in books, you'll miss the amazingly funny results that come from letting your kids have fun. Just have fun, trust your instincts (yes you have them!) and your kid will be perfect all on his own, because he's yours.

But just in case you need a little proof that you are not, and will not be, a horrible parent...

Reason's why I know I'm also a "Bad Mother":
1) I didn't breastfeed because I didn't want to
2) I never instituted a bedtime schedule
3) I'm a mushy mom, i hate to let Tyler cry it out.
4) I have yelled at my son
5) I will give my child cold medicine if it makes him feel better
6) Tyler eats and likes cookies, cake, candy, and twizzlers (his fav)
7) I have used Noggin as a babysitter so I can get some "me" time
8) Tyler eats what he likes and what's convenient for me.
9) I am not a short order cook, he either eats what I put in front of him or not. There's always tomorrow
10) We eat frozen pizza
11) I only do laundry on the weekends, if it's dirty too bad, do it yourself.
12) He likes his binky, it makes him happy. And I'm ok with that. Leave it alone
13) I like to snuggle with Tyler in bed on the nights the husband is gone. If he falls asleep there, so what.
14) If he falls asleep in the same shirt he's had on all day, then he sleeps in it.















15) Spaghetti is a favorite food in our house, yes it's messy, but the pictures are funnier.
16) The garden hose has doubled as bathtime on hot nights.
17) I spank my child, he gets time outs, and hears stop and no.
18) Dirty binkies are still binkies, they stop meltdowns.
19) I didn't teach sign-language
20) I secretly cheer when he picks me over dad to make his boo-boo better.
21) If I smell a stinky diaper, I will call "Not it" on the husband
22) I don't pick up toys every night, most of the time I just shut the door and forget about it.
23) I've let Tyler play with things that would send other mom's into therapy.

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Advice to mom's

I've seen this before, a long time ago BEFORE I had Tyler; it was funny then and it is immensely more funny now that I've had a boy and completely understand where this woman is coming from. Tyler I feel will unfortunately try many of these. He's just like that.

I also think there should be a support group for mother's of toddler and preschool boys. We could all get together once a week to cry and share our battle stories. It should be chaired by women who've survived and lived to tell about it, and provide us with their infinite wisdom and guidance. Then we could all write a book, make millions and spend our mid-life crisis years in Fiji. Let the father's deal with the teenage years. Lord knows we'll never survive that.

Advice from a mother of boys

1.) A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.

2.) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

3.) A 3-year old Boy’s voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4.) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20×20 ft. room.

5.) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6.) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn’t stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

7.) When you hear the toilet flush and the words “uh oh”, it’s already too late.

8.) Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

9.) A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old Man says they can only do it in the movies.

10.) Certain Lego’s will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old boy.

11.) Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

12.) Super glue is forever.

13.) No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can’t walk on water.

14.) Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15.) VCR’s do not eject “PB & J” sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

16.) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17.) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18.) You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.

19.) Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.

20.) The fire department in Austin , TX has a 5-minute response time.

21.) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

22.) It will, however, make cats dizzy.

23.) Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

24.) 80% of Women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without kids.

25.) 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.

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