Yes, I realize it's Tuesday, but sometimes you wake up and realize it's Monday and you wonder where the hell Friday went.
So here's what Friday's Funny Forward should have been.
The "problem solving flow chart" - a real multi-tool for the office.
I suggest printing it out for future reference.
The cleaning bug bit me over the weekend.
But it wasn't the giant Madagascar hissing cockroach cleaning bug, it was more of a small mosquito that annoys and pricks me just before I slap it flat against my arm.
So to satisfy this small annoyance of a bug, I decided to clean out the hall closet that had long been ignored and was in desperate need of a clean and toss session. It was the only location I could store my vacuums, however with the massive amounts of other unrelated "junk" collecting at the top and bottom of the closet, I took my life in my own hands every time I opened the door.
After about 15 mins of pulling everything out and tossing it indiscreetly over my head into a pile behind me I reached the back of the closet.
What I found, stuffed in the far recesses of the black hole of a hall closet was a small, yellow and white gingham check fabric tote with white canvas handles. My mothers diaper bag she had carried when my sister and I were a baby. Knowing my mother, she more than likely sewed it herself. She had been crafty like that.
The handles were yellowed with use and the white wasn't white anymore; almost ivory. There was a large brownish stain on the one corner, and it had the distinct pattern of a leak (probably baby oil). And inside were a pair of black patent leather soft soled mary-janes; size 2. My baby shoes.
The woman in me looked longingly at these shoes and envisioned my own unborn daughter wearing them some day. While the pack-rat in me quickly tried to process where to stash this that won't be forgotten later. I settled with placing the bag at the top of the stairs for the interim.
About an hour later I was finished with the closet and the husband had finished with his "honey-do" project and we were both straightening up the house. Read: picking crap up so it looked less like a mess and more like we actually cared enough to be neat.
I need to preface the rest of the story with this: the husband puts his foot in his month; regularly. And from an observers perspective it can be painful to watch. It's as if the world is a TV show, with the closed captioning on and the subtitles a good 5 seconds ahead of the action. You see the thoughts and dialogue spelled out ahead of time but you are unable to intervene and prevent the words. All you can do is sigh and shake your head at the absurdity of it all.
As we climbed the stairs he spotted the small bag. He lifted the bag up from it's resting place at the top of the stairs and looks at me sideways.
"What is this? This is the ugliest purse I have ever seen. Why would you buy something like this?"
I just looked at the husband dumbstruck by his idiotic statement. He'd done it again.
"That was my mother's diaper bag and those were my baby shoes"
The husband turned a crimson shade of red and sheepishly hung his head.
"Oh...I'm sorry, it's lovely, it really is beautiful" as he handed me back the bag.
I love the guy, but some days I swear I don't know him.
The husband is always complaining he is not a mind reader and he is constantly one step behind what I'm talking about. So I thought I'd put together a little cheat sheet for him. Strong communication makes a strong couple.
The Female Dictionary
Yes - No
No - Yes
Maybe - No
We need - I want
I'm sorry - You'll be sorry
We need to talk - I need to complain
Does my butt look big in this? - Tell me I'm beautiful
Do what you want - You'll pay for this later
I'm not upset - Of course I'm upset, you moron!
Are you listening to me?? - Too late, you're dead
You have to learn to communicate - Just agree with me
Be romantic, turn out the lights - I have flabby thighs
Do you love me? - I'm going to ask for something expensive
It's your decision - The correct decision should be obvious by now
How much do you love me? - I did something today that you're really not going to like
Fine - This is the word we use to end an argument when we are right and you need to shut up.
Five Minutes - If we're getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
Nothing - This word should sent alarms off. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
Go Ahead - This is a dare, not permission. Don’t Do It!
Loud Sigh - This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means we think you are an idiot and we wonder why we are wasting our time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)
That’s Okay - A very dangerous word. That’s okay means we want you to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
Thanks* - We are thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you’re welcome.
(* unless we say ‘Thanks a lot’ - this is PURE sarcasm and we are not thanking you at all. DO NOT say ‘you’re welcome.’ that will bring on a ‘whatever’).
Whatever - This is woman speak for FUCK YOU!
Don’t worry about it, I got it - This means there is something that a we have asked you to do several times, but we are now doing it ourself.
This will later result in a man asking ‘What’s wrong?’ To which we will respond 'Nothing'.
It's a vicious cycle, just do the task we asked the the first time to avoid the headache.
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